Cheers

2019.

It's been the year of separation. Change. Sadness. Self-discovery. Loss. Gains.

It's been so so hard.

I had actually written another year end post as a draft a few weeks ago.

I'm choosing to keep it as a draft for now. It's personal and a lot and perhaps I only wrote it for myself.

So here I am on New Year's Eve. Alone on my couch with music in the background, dogs barking, and my sweatpants on.

Very obviously not here are my children. This is the first time that I've never rung in the New Year with Kyle. It's oh so very hard.

Tonight would also ironically mark the 25th anniversary of mine and Michael's very first date.

And no matter the state of our marriage at this point (this is the year of separation.....'20 will be the year of divorce) I will always think of that night as the beginning of a chapter of my life. So I cannot look at it as anything but a positive thing. Ultimately my children came from me having that first date.

I hate New Year's resolutions. I actually despise them. Yet I've made them in the past.

Lose weight.
More organized.
Yell at the kids less.
Fold laundry straight outta the dryer.
Keep the house cleaner.


All of those have been personal ones of mine. And some I succeeded at longer than others.

But one thing I never made a resolution to do was to just keep going.

No specific expectations.

Just don't stop.

If you make one resolution this year, please do that for me. Just do you. You don't need to change yourself for the sanity of someone else.

I have always been the epitome of the person who wants to please everyone. Except myself.

I have no clue how to not have a soft heart and a high expectation for people to follow through on things. I have a hard time dealing with disappointments.

I know I have to lose people close to me to gain my own self-respect and self-love.

And I don't know if I am capable of reaching that goal. I can try to just have a harder heart. But I honestly don't know if that's in my nature to do.

I have no idea what the next year holds for me. For you. For my kids. For my family.

I just hope you all keep going no matter what happens.