Seasons

I am lucky (most of the time) to live in an area with 4 seasons. Our summers our hot and sunny, our springs our cool/warm and rainy, our falls are way too short and perfectly crisp, and our winters can be frigid and snowy and way too long.

Our lives are full of seasons. And people are placed in our lives for the long and hard winters or the short and sweet summer times. And then we have some seasonal friends that come and go like the fall and spring.

I look back over my seasons in photos and I can remember the people who made that season. Whether it be hard or easy. Whether it be simple and sweet or complicated and frustrating.

I look back at the first picture right after becoming a mom of 2. I remember the doctors involved in Kyle's delivery, the nurses, the visits, the long nights of having 2 babies who didn't sleep. I remember the people who brought us meals. 

I look back to the next pictures. I figured it out a little bit. I juggled 2 kids.One toddler and one mentally challenged. The year Kyle started preschool was the year that I began to see a change in my seasons yet again. I started to make some "mom friends". I became close with a few. Those have been my winter long friends. I became acquainted with more than I became close with. Those people helped shape me as well. 

I'll be honest. The next years became huge season changers. The teachers in our lives are mostly still involved in some way, be it just facebook or on a more personal level. Not only did they help shape my children, they helped shape me as their mom. The mom in those pictures was a mom with such a soft heart and couldn't stand to watch her kids struggle. She lacked confidence to push for what her kids needed and lacked confidence in herself. 

Seasonal friendships have come and gone in my life. Same for David and Kyle. But luckily we've all been a constant for each other. We are so fortunate to have family be our other constant. And those special people who aren't family.....you know who you are and you know how much it means that you've chosen over and over to be a part of our lives. 

For the ones who have stuck through some of my hard seasons and have moved on, I appreciate you too. You served a purpose and you will always have a place in my heart. The ones who let me cry on them when we were going through diagnosis's for David AND Kyle. Those are the hardest times in a mother's life. And you were part of that season. 

As my seasons have changed, so have I. So have the boys. We are stronger, yet still weak. Becoming more confident in our changes and who we are. We still struggle. Self confidence and self love is one of the most difficult things to conquer and I am far from there. 

I can see the changes throughout these photos and the change might be minimal to you. But to me....it's pretty astronomical. I want to continue to get stronger. To be more confident. To instill morals in Kyle. To love David hard and fierce. To be myself and to love who I'm becoming. And still be humble enough to know that there will always be room for me to grow and change. 

To those who have made my seasons hard......I saw you. I appreciate you for showing me who I don't want to be for my kids. I thank you for being part of my life and making my strength grow. I wish you nothing but luck and well wishes, but there is a reason that God only placed you in my life for a short time. Life is hard and I had to lose you to be able to move through the hard to the other side. And if I've ever made your season hard, I apologize. Sincerely. But I hope you grew through the hard as well. Life is short. Be with the people who love you. 

Find your favorite season and stick with them. They are your tribe. They are your people. They are going to change and grow through seasons with you. 

"Appreciate where you are in your journey, even if it's not where you want to be. Every season serves a purpose."

Navigation

Tonight I just had an urge to write. Not about anything specific. But just life and an update. I found some quotes on Pinterest that really stood out to me, so I thought I would kind of address a few of them individually and relate them to my current life.

It is ok. I am far from ok all of the time. This is really really hard. No one expects to go through a divorce. Everyone seems to think there is a protocol of how someone should act or live or laugh or date or not date or parent or cry or lose her mind. There isn't. You go through ALL of the emotions. I wear my heart on my sleeve. If I'm happy, you'll know it. If I'm sad, you'll know it (although I will go to greater lengths to disguise this emotion.....but I'm terrible at it.) The one thing I know for sure is that I am not going to fail. I might fall. But I will not fail my kids.

I STRUGGLE with this. Immensely. I think we all do. We are all our own worst critics. I AM enough. You ARE enough. Yet we try all the time to be more. Smaller, smarter, funnier, a better mom, a better friend, a better human. We CANNOT do it all. We can strive to be good. And being good doesn't always mean better. It means you are enough. Society can try to tell you something different.  But I promise you are enough. We are enough. 

Healing is a forever process. You heal from one hurt and usually gain some type of other hurt....physical or mental. Healing is tough. There are only so many bandaids a heart can be mended with. Time does help. Family does help. Friends do help. If you fall down, stand back up. Learn from that fall and move on. Slowly pull off the bandaids and start to think you can be loved again and willing to love. A heart is always capable of love. Take that broken heart, super glue it together and do good things with love. 

I do break down and cry. Not daily. But weekly(ish). I'm overwhelmed. I'm exhausted. I'm fighting a teenager doesn't seem to be affected that our life has drastically changed. And I'm fighting a teenager who immensely feels the changes that we are facing. And struggling with those changes. These 2 teens ARE my reason. My purpose. And my joy. They keep me going. If there is one thing that makes me get out of bed in the morning, it's my kids. David's smile automatically makes me smile and Kyle's dry sarcasm usually gives me a laugh. They make me strong. 

All in all.....we're doing ok. We wake up, do human things, and go to sleep. We love, we fight, we conquer. Together.