I hear it a lot. I know others who hear it a lot.
I am not strong.
I am so weak.
At this time in my life, I can't even count how many times I have assumed the fetal position and cried for hours on end. Hundreds at least.
I can't tell you many times I have pasted a smile to my face and pretended that everything is ok. When ok is about the farthest thing away for me. Or us.
I can't tell you how many times I just want to sit on the couch and stare into space. And do nothing. Not even take care of my kids.
I live for days on end waiting for my oldest child to come out of a state of unawareness and show signs that he is among us again and aware of our love for him.
I often lose my patience when he cries non-stop for days. And I cannot fix it.
I can't tell you how often I have needed to step away from everything. Family, friends, work, life. Everything.
My strength is really weak. Emotionally I have had a really hard time for the last 7 months holding it all together. He was so so sick. You think you're prepared for something like that and the possibility that comes along with that. You will never be prepared. Not ever.
Physically-people see me as strong. I lift and carry this 70 pound child to and from the van multiple times a day. I've dropped him before. Twice actually. Trying to put him in the van. I cried both times. My back physically aches daily. I question how we will continue to do this.
While my strength is weak, my will is incredibly strong. I have a fire-driven will to move on.
I do cry. I cry so much. If you've seen me cry-----we must be close friends. Because I do try to hide that part of me.
I should not be ashamed that I cry when things are hard. Because I often find my tears are the fire to strengthen my will. My will that I will continue.
I do paste a smile on my face. I let people in on this blog. But rarely do you see that side of me in real life. Sometimes I'm embarrassed about the lack of control over my emotions. That fake smile gets me through a day of embarrassment. Because if I'm smiling, no one will ask me what's wrong.
I will try harder to stay real. Sometimes "fake it til you make it" is a necessary reality. But I am going to find the will to be honest with those who care about me.
My willingness to wait out so many days of David being locked away within himself or stop crying for days on end is so worth it. Because we get true happiness and a joyful soul from him. Sometimes he is almost on heightened awareness after being locked away for days. And we get amazing happiness from him.
My strongest will comes from his strength. David is absolutely the strongest individual that I know.
He is physically strong. Freakishly strong. His strength and will have gotten him through multiple severe illnesses in his young life. He has figured out how to be mobile to the best of his capabilities despite the odds stacked against him in terms of muscle spasms and lack of body control.
He is the best possible David he can be when he feels the power to do so.
My life would be empty without his strength.
I am weak and he is strong. But he gives me my will. My purpose.