Monday, October 23, 2017
I'm not always happy.
I've gained weight.
I've become weak.
I don't exercise enough.
I don't cook healthy meals every night.
I can't do this alone.
Let's start with I'm tired. The average amount of sleep I get per night is 3-4 hours. It never fails that after almost exactly 2 hours of sleep, I wake up. Doesn't matter how tired I am. Doesn't matter what time I woke up that morning or what time I went to bed that night. It doesn't matter what I've eaten of drank. Every gosh darn night. I'm awake. I've tried everything except prescription medication. It doesn't work. My mind is my enemy in the middle of the night.
But despite being tired, I'm still functioning. I'm still making it through my days. And I'm accomplishing daily tasks and making it to work. I am TRYING to sleep at night. It doesn't work. But I'm still trying. And at the end of the day, I do know there are prescription medications that could help me. I am not at the end of my options. I have just chosen to not go that route at this time. I'm just blessed to be able to open my eyes everyday and be alive.
I'm not always happy. I fake it a lot. I put a smile on for the kids, for friends, for family. But sometimes I cry. For hours. This life I live sometimes makes me sad. Sometimes it makes me angry. Sometimes I could scream from the roof tops that I'm done with it. Happiness isn't always a choice for me. Sometimes my sadness & anxiety takes over and I stay on the couch for numerous hours to drown it.
And while I'm not ALWAYS happy, I am happy. My kids bring my joy. Their smiles are so special to me. My anxiety is getting a little better. I finally admitted to myself that I needed help. And it's helping. I love my life even though it's hard and sad at times.
I've gained weight. I lost 30 pounds more than a year ago. But I gained back 20 of those pounds. My clothes don't fit me like they did. I eat when I'm sad. I eat when I'm stressed. I eat too late at night. I eat cookie dough for breakfast. I love food and trying new recipes when I'm in the mood. Taking selfies to promote my Younique business KILLS me because I can see the weight gain in my face. It takes about 50 tries before I find one that I'll actually use and even then, I cringe when I post it.
And while I know I've gained weight, I will tackle it again. It might not be today or tomorrow. But it will be a priority again to me one day. I am blessed to have food for myself, and my family. I love to enjoy food. And even though my confidence is shaken and posting pictures of myself is terribly hard, I still do it. It helps my business and it helps my confidence when I do get those craved notifications on my social media accounts that someone has liked or commented on it. It's not about narcissism, it's about confidence. Like other's selfies. It's not about attention, it's about letting them know they are beautiful and brave to post those.
I've become weak. I'm getting older. I'm falling and bruise easily. I definitely feel like my body is much weaker than it was 10 years ago. Lifting David is a huge burden. I'm terrified of bones breaking because it would hinder my care for him. I can't even give him a proper bath anymore, because I just don't have it in me.
My body is weaker. But I think some days I can be Wonder Woman. I do things that I never imagined I would be able to. I lift a lot. And while I feel as if lifting David has left me weaker over the years, the fact is that David is much older than he once was, as well as much larger. Lifting him will never be easy again. But I will continue to lift and care for him daily for as long as I absolutely can. And while my body is weaker, my will is stronger.
I don't exercise enough. I have little motivation lately. I was running/walking regularly and attending weekly group workouts a year ago. But I'm not now.
But I will. When I do find motivation, I have been walking. Or pushing out 20 pushups or 50 situps. It's a start. I just have to keep at it. Hopefully Kyle will inspire me a little more soon.
I don't cook healthy meals every night. Sometimes we eat pizza. Sometimes we eat candy. Sometimes we eat comfort food. Sometimes we scrounge around the refrigerator and it's every man for himself. I take pictures of yummy desserts when we're out and post them on social media to make others jealous. ;)
Nope not always healthy. But not always unhealthy either. I'm finding a balance in cooking lately. We've had 2 very healthy meals recently and tonight is more of a fall comfort food we'll be trying. It's ok and I refuse to feel guilty about what my family may or may not eat. They are fed and we are all healthy.
I can't do this alone. Sometimes I'm lonely. This can be a very isolating world. Watching activities on social media is tough some days.
And I do not do this alone. Michael helps. My family helps. And my friends are wonderful. I have friends who check on me every single morning and that helps my loneliness be lifted. No one could do this alone. I have recently been asking for a little help. And finding that people are actually WILLING to help. I wish I had asked sooner. I wish I knew the kindness of people.
But now I do.
We're all weary at times. But we can all overcome and persevere.