I fell

The other night, I took a rather ungraceful stumble UP the steps. I banged my head, my ankle, my knee, jarred my back and neck, and hurt my left wrist attempting to catch myself. It hurt. It still hurts.

I admit it. I don't walk with grace. I don't dance with grace. I can barely speak with grace.
I'm klutzy. I'll be the first to tell you. It runs in my family. Not one of us Millan sisters are blessed with the ability of gracefulness.

So....as the story continues. I hurt. I felt like I'd been in a fight the next day. No one told me that once you're forty, BAM! Your body falls apart too. Especially if you don't take care of it. Kinda like me. But. I will heal. I picked myself up and took some advil. Every day is a little bit better.


I started thinking about other ways we fall. We fall all the time.

My favorite day I fell was on February 20, 2000. The day I became a mother. Man alive, David was my entire world from day one. If I ever questioned my life before about what I was supposed to have for a career.....motherhood would be it. Maybe that's corny. Because all mothers fall in love with their children. I know EXACTLY how each and every one of you mothers felt the day your children were born. The difference between myself and some of you is that some of you are career driven women outside of your households. Which is amazing. Because you juggle it ALL. But for me.....I never ever knew for sure what I should be. Until David came along. And remember. We didn't know David had severe disabilities until he was about 6 months old. I loved him for making me a mom and giving me that feeling of purpose.

Another time I fell was the summer of 2000. I can remember that we saw a new doctor. And she took one look at him and one look at me. And said "There is something very wrong with your baby." And I was by myself in that office. And I got referrals for feeding, speech, physical therapy, and occupational therapy all in one day. And I held it together until I got home.

And then I fell. I fell apart. I can't even remember for sure when I called Michael to tell him. I can't remember if I waited until he got home or I told him on the phone. Heck. Maybe he was with me at that appointment. But when I was told that David was not ok......I was in my own world. I had already failed my 6 month old baby.

And I have fallen so many more times over doctor's words, predictions, and lack of knowledge over my child's disease. And when I fall in those times.....I stumble so hard, it knocks me out emotionally. I'm amazing at holding it together when I'm being told any kind of news that is new and scary. But I am a professional at getting out to my van and just crying my eyes out. But so far my record of not getting back up and crawling out of that deep hole is pretty good. And my record for doing whatever I have to do for David is phenomenal.

And of course, I can't forget the day I fell for Kyle. May 9, 2006. I admit. It was a different kind of falling in love. He was a brand new person we had created and just knowing that he didn't have some of the genetic characteristics of David's disease (of which still had no name at this time) made me fall in love with him more.

He was a gift to me at a time when I needed that gift the most. I learned to fall in love with the most stubborn baby in the whole wide world. You all might think that you have the world's most stubborn kid. But I think I hold that title hands down. I learned to love Kyle for who he actually is and not who I thought he should be. I admit that I wanted to fall in love with a perfect baby/toddler/little boy/adolescent boy. And he wasn't perfect. He was rotten, and cried, and only wanted mom. Yet he was gorgeous, let me sleep at night, and when he smiled at me......he made me fall for him all over again because smiles were earned with Kyle. Not free.

While I wish that I never fell again like I fell on Friday night...….falling makes me get back up. Falling makes me stronger. Falling makes me love. Falling in any way makes me who I am.


So when you fall into a negative fall......rise up. We're all going to fall that way repeatedly. But we don't have to stay down.

And when you fall in a good way...….absorb that feeling. Feel the warmth, the love, the compassion, and the amazement.